“Lahat naman binigay ko pero kulang pa pala.”

Calvin Abueva walked aimlessly in Bologna Centro at 3 am. He did not want to go back to his hotel room because being alone meant having to confront all of his thoughts. Being silent meant having to process rejection once more.
“Pizza tayo,” he said as we walked by a small store. Abueva wasn’t hungry, he just had dinner with LA Tenorio, Ranidel De Ocampo, Jeff Chan, and Jayson Castro which was hosted by a group of Kapampangans. He wasn’t hungry. He just wanted to do something, anything.
Abueva went back to the team’s hotel after dinner but when he heard that Marc Pingris and some of his teammates were still out, he wanted to do that same. He packed a bunch of his Gilas gear and headed down to the lobby where some fans were waiting.
He started handing out jerseys and shorts and shirts to all of them, making sure he also signed each and every one.
“Nanan ku la pa wari?” he told me. “What use do I have for these now?”
It’s tough to even hear it. We all saw Abueva as an important part of Gilas moving forward. The Beast and Terrence Romeo, first timers with Gilas 3.0, showed Asia just what the Philippine brand of basketball is all about.
Some hated him in the PBA but he was respected, even loved, as a part of Gilas because Abueva represented us. Undersized but never outfought. Unbowed even when beaten.
But even the unbowed have their limits, even the fiercest of fighters have their breaking point.
As we were walking, Abueva would without warning stop talking and start walking faster. When got enough space, he would pull his shirt and wipe his eyes.
“Kinutuban na ako pero alam kong di naman ako nagkulang sa ginawa ko,” Abueva said. “Lahat naman binigay ko pero kulang pa pala.”

Abueva looked at Marc Pingris as Gilas Pilipinas huddled after their blowout loss to Italy. Abueva nodded his head silently as if to say “Ikaw na, kuya.”
Pingris nodded back, took a deep breath, and shouted. “Laban Pilipinas!”
“Puso!” replied everyone else. However, one distinct voice was missing.
It all started in Estonia. Because Pingris was not there, Gilas needed someone to shout it for them. Abueva was the perfect replacement. He’s similar to Pingris, maybe just a little rougher around the edges. Both have seemingly limitless energy on the floor. Both are grit over talent. When Pingris returned, there was a time when they shouted it together. Ultimately, the veteran gave way and allowed Abueva to do it full time.
Now he could not even get himself to shout. His confidence left him.
Abueva played four minutes in that game. He entered the floor with Italy already up big. For the Gilas coaches, the point of having tune-up matches was to test out their system and see what areas they could improve on.
Abueva entered the game, saw that nothing was happening on offense, and decided to take matters into his own hands. It was momentarily effective. He got fouled and made free throws.
The Beast was battling against his instincts. When he saw the score, the initial reaction was to strike back, to refuse to be beaten that way. On the other hand, he was expected to still stick to their team’s offense, to keep running it until it works.
Because the coaches said that their performance against Italy would be a factor for their selection of the final 12, Abueva was distraught. He didn’t sleep much after that game. He was beating himself up with his thoughts. He made mistakes. He veered away from their system but that was only because he wanted to show he was going to fight.
Most fans felt he was a shoo-in for the final 12 because he’s a game changer. He grabs rebounds he has no business grabbing. He chases every loose ball he sees. He throws himself to the floor even in practice.
During their training camp in Greece, Abueva took it upon himself to tip in as many shots as he could against Andray Blatche. He would smile after each and every one to let the much bigger Blatche know what’s up.
Abueva was an absolute warrior during training camp. When coach Tab Baldwin said Gilas poured a lot of sweat in Karpenisi, it held true especially for Abueva because no one worked harder in practice.
He’ll complain about aches and pains sometimes. He’ll use the roller to massage his right hamstring when he’s not part of the scrimmage. However, when Abueva was called, he always gave everything he had.
LA Tenorio took it upon himself to be with Abueva when they were told that they were not part of the team anymore. With the help of some Filipinos, the two drove away. Being in that hotel, seeing that team would only remind them of what they could not have. Tenorio acted like a big brother to Abueva, pulling him out of a difficult situation and taking his mind away from it. He was there in the car when Abueva finally fell apart after hearing one of his kids telling him he’s still the best basketball player in the world.
For the past year, Abueva has played non-stop basketball. With Alaska making it to the finals multiple times and with his tour of duty with Gilas 3.0, rest came few and far between for him. He soldiered on because he had a goal in mind. The first time he wore a Pilipinas jersey, they fell short of qualifying for the Olympics. He was fuelled by the thought that he has another shot at it.
When it was taken away from him, everything else flooded it. Without a destination, Abueva swiftly and suddenly realized everything that he gave up for it.


Read full story here.